I’m Back | Why I Haven’t Been Posting

Hey everyone, I want to first start out by saying sorry for my lack of consistency in publishing my blog posts. My last post was back in April. I really told myself that I was going to start posting weekly but obviously it didn’t happen and I hope you all will understand why I’ve been so off track.

If you recall my last blog post from April, I talked about autistic burnout. If you’d like to read that post, click here. If you don’t know what autistic burnout is, then I suggest you do go read that blog post and then come back to this post to continue reading so you’re not so confused.

Now, to continue with what this post is about….

As you all should know, I’m autistic! I also have ADHD! I struggle tremendously with executive function. I’ll go more into details on a different upcoming blog post but to keep it short and simple, I have a hard time getting things done. It’s really hard to shift my focus on to a task when I have soooo many tasks to complete. I’m easily overwhelmed and then nothing gets done. Another thing that also tends to interfere with me getting things done is having children. I have a 6 year old autistic son and a 19 month old daughter possibly also autistic. She has an evaluation coming up real soon.

My daughter tends to want the most attention from me when I’m trying to be productive. She’s extremely clingy and has separation anxiety. I’m in the process of trying to wean her off the breast due to some feeding issues and weight issues which now resulted in her needing feeding therapy weekly.

Here’s a picture my son snapped for me of me tying up this blog post you’re reading while holding my daughter who just cries and screams by my feet if I don’t pick her up. Also, of course you see my Pepsi because I need my daily dose of caffeine. Also I know my hair looks atrocious.

I’ve had a bunch of doctors appointments which I haven’t been able to keep up with all because once I feel like there’s too many close together, I just start cancelling some of them. Then I forget to reschedule and then I just sit here feeling like a failure. Both my children have appointments as well that needs to be prioritized so mine gets cancelled if they overlap. I also need to work around my husbands schedule because he also has several appointments. He drives, I don’t!

Even though I haven’t been focused on my blog, I have been on TikTok posting content. I haven’t been 100% consistent there either but what motivated me was the fact that a few of my videos blew up and I felt like it was the perfect platform to thrive from and also drive them all to my blog site when I start posting here consistently. I’m building up my followers on there which is currently at 7,835 followers. If you’d like to follow me on there, click here.

I’ve been so burnt out for a while now. I want to be completely honest with you and tell you that around the month of April, I started self harming again. It was just one time and I’ve been able to maintain control since then but I’ve been spiraling really bad emotionally since June. I have high support needs that tends to fluctuate on a daily basis which makes me very unpredictable. I spent my whole childhood masking my autistic traits because my family saw it as me ‘attention seeking”. I was never given the tools that I needed to thrive. Now as an adult, I’m struggling with my own identity as an autistic person and trying to figure out who I am and what works best for me. I’m learning more and more about myself each day but I feel so far behind because I really don’t know the real me since I’ve had to suppress the real me for so long. Now that I’ve started to unmask, I have this constant feeling of being a burden to everyone around me because I’m “too needy”, I’ve been trying to make sense of everything and trying to connect the dots but nothing really makes sense.

I’ve been experiencing shutdowns where I dissociate and I have also had non verbal episodes. I shutdown because it’s easier for everyone around me when I’m not having a full blown meltdown. The more meltdowns I suppress, the more shutdowns I experience. Then I feel so helpful not being able to help myself get through it fast enough. I’ve noticed I’ve been running off to a dim room more often. I have a sensory lamp that satisfies my visual and auditory sensory needs when I’m overstimulated. A really great friend I met on TikTok, bought me a bunch of things off my Amazon wish list. One of the biggest things that she bought me was a sensory swing. That swing has been the biggest reason why I’ve been able to stop myself from self harming some more. It provides the deep pressure and compression that I need to release stress that I just bottle up inside every day. It’s such a blessing to have this major accommodation and I’m thankful for my husband who put it up for me in my craft room.

I’ve been working on myself and trying to focus on my special interests to keep my mind busy. I’ve been coming up with new ideas for my website and can’t wait to show you everything I’ve been working on. For those who don’t know, I have my own fashion and art business. I’m currently working on a autism jewelry line. I already launched my first piece. TikTok was the first platform to see it.

I have a lot more to say and everyone who knows me, knows I can info dump all day. So this is where I’ll end this blog post. But before I end it, I want to say that I think I’ve come up with an effective way to post consistently on here. I’m going to try and type out a bunch of blog posts at once but have it scheduled to post whenever I want it to post. Which right now I’m only going to try to commit to once a week. A post will be published every Wednesday at 9 am EST. If I see things are going well and that I have enough energy to keep up that pace, I’ll then shoot for twice a week and see how that goes. I need all of you to wish me luck and send me positive vibes. I need the motivation. Thanks for reading this post and can’t wait to post again. I appreciate everyone’s support while I navigate my way through this autistic burnout that seems never ending. Bye now! ….. Before I continue to info dump and then can’t stop.

Autistic Burnout

Autistic burnout is intense physical and mental exhaustion. It can also be accompanied with loss of certain skills.

Having to navigate through a world that was only built for neurotypical people is very exhausting. Having to keep up with all the societies list of “norms” is very draining. Autistic people often end up masking their autistic traits in order to seem more normal. Masking can be very dangerous; but I’ll go into that further in another blog post.

Autistic burnout may look different from person to person. What you see in one autistic person; you may not see in another. As I mentioned above, it can be an intense physical exhaustion. It can also manifest as intense anxiety or emotional outbursts. It can be the inability to regulate emotions far more than usual. It can contribute to depression and suicidal behaviors. It can involve an increase of stimming (self regulating behaviors), increased sensitivity to sensory input and difficulty with changes. A lot of autistic people struggle with these things but when a burnout is happening, all these things can be amplified; making it seem like you’re regressing or much worse than usual.

Some autistic people lose their ability to speak during a burnout. Also, loss of executive function is common during a burnout as well. Executive function will be discussed in another blog.

Burnout can affect our thinking process and also affect our memory (which we already struggle with in general).

When I’m experiencing a burnout, I feel disconnected and disengaged from the rest of the world. I lose focus on the small things and can’t process my thoughts very well or my emotions. I tend to be very forgetful. But the forgetfulness also stems from the fact that when I’m told something, I’m most likely paying more attention to the sound of the electricity in the house; like the wind coming from the fan or the buzzing of the microwave. I can’t focus on too many sounds at once. It’s the increased sensitivity to sensory input that affects my ability to focus on conversation and information storing. I can’t process what you said if I hear the fridge. It’s a distraction. I struggle with these things on a daily basis but it’s 10 times worse during a burnout. People assume I’m not paying attention to them when I’m reality, I am. It’s just really hard for me to process too many different things at one time. I have lost my ability to speak during a burnout but it doesn’t happen every time I go through a burnout. My executive function is crap on a regular basis but it really goes down the toilet during a burnout.

The smallest things can be sensory overload for me during a burnout. Others around me don’t understand this and just brush it off.

Autistic burnout can last anywhere from a few hours to a few years for some autistic people. The main way to recover from burnout is to remove yourself from the situation that triggered it in the first place.

For me, it’s almost always caused by suppressing my emotions and meltdowns and other autistic traits in order to “keep the peace” around others who don’t understand me and so I’m not a burden to them. After so long, I don’t have the energy to continue to keep it all contained. It drains me to the point that it can be dangerous. I tend to physically lash out on myself by self harming and I also have attempted suicide before.

During these hard times, what I need is compassion and understanding. I may also need space and some alone time. I also need reassurance and not judgement. I’m trying as hard as I can but I can’t keep being sorry for who I am. I can’t keep apologizing for the way I am because I can’t help it and it’s not my problem people choose to not understand it.

I’m not entirely sure how long I’ve been in this current burnout so far but I only hope I can regain my strength soon so I can get back to the real me.

If you read this blog post this far, thank you and I hope you’ve learned something new here. More posts will be up soon, I just need to save up the energy to type it all out. I just really felt like this topic needed to be discussed.