Non verbal after severe meltdown

I almost skipped this weeks post because I’ve been so exhausted. I already fell off track with my YouTube schedule and this stresses me out. I have been posting on TikTok but not consistently.

Due to a traumatic event that I’ve been trying my best to process, I had a severe meltdown. It’s been over a week now since I’ve been non verbal. I’ve never gone this long being non verbal before so it has me pretty concerned. I saw my psychiatrist and my primary doctor to discuss my situation and they seem to think that this is a catatonic episode. I was prescribed Ativan to try to offset some of the anxiety and hopefully it’ll help bring myself back to baseline.

Worst case scenario is I’ll be admitted to be sedated if this continues too much longer. I can’t even begin to process being in a hospital away from my family. Knowing that there’s a possibility that I’ll be admitted has put a ton of pressure on me and I can’t seem to regulate myself. All this worrying definitely isn’t good for my situation but I hope the Ativan helps with that.

I have AAC on my phone and iPad to communicate in the time being. It’s text to speech. It’s very helpful but definitely not the same as verbalizing my wants and needs. I feel like I have so many thoughts and emotions bottled up because I can’t verbalize it. Typing becomes too exhausting after a while because I do have a lot to say. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my room isolating myself to reduce the need to have to communicate at all because I’m just tired of this.

To make matters worse, I had a seizure on Sunday and I’m pretty sure it was induced by the amount of stress I’m under from my current state. I see my neurologist soon for that.

I’m trying really hard to maintain my routine and schedule but it’s getting so hard and just the thought of it being ruined upsets me. I don’t know what to do. A break from posting would be beneficial so I don’t have so many demands and tasks to worry about but I just can’t let myself fall off track more than I already have.

Please keep me in your thoughts and let’s hope that this situation resolves itself very soon.

Info dumping about my special interests

I’m autistic and my main special interest is arts and crafts. It’s very broad because I’m also ADHD which makes it hard for me to focus on a task too long. So I hyper-fixate on several different forms of art to satisfy my need to indulge in my special interest.

A special interest is something that a autistic person develops deep interest to and therefore gathers all facts and information about the thing and sometimes it’s all they can talk about. I use my special interests to cope with sensory overload and my depression. My art is a form of self expression.

I love to draw. I used to spend hours when I was little drawing flowers and cats and eventually started drawing portraits of my favorite celebrities and people.

I love to sew. I make gowns for prom, weddings and other occasions. I enjoy making little dresses for my daughter and now I’m trying to teach myself how to make clothes for boys because I would like to make a suit for my son and husband. I also take baby clothes or loved ones clothes and I make a memory bear for customers of mine. I made one for each of my kids. I also make baby bows and tutus.

I love to embroider. I’m the only one in my family from the newer generation to carry on that skill. I was inspired by my grandma. My grandma and all her sisters did embroidery. My grandma is so happy that I do it now. I even like to incorporate hand beading into my embroidery work as well.

I love to crochet. I’m currently working on a beach waves blanket and a white table runner. I have many more ideas but I have to finish those 2 projects first. I also like to loom knit. My very first loom knitted project was a long bag that my grandma could use to stash all those plastic bags from the grocery store because it was always scattered around the house and I thought she would appreciate my effort in trying to minimize clutter for her.

I love resin art. I make resin paintings, sculptures and geodes. I also make jewelry with resin which brings me to my next thing.

I love making jewelry. I mainly make DNA keepsake jewelry that incorporates breastmilk, cremation ashes, lock of hair and more. I also work with fine silver metal clay. I make fingerprint pendants with that. I also do metal stamping with some of my Jewelry. I also like to do some wire wrapped jewelry.

I love polymer clay. I make fetuses from 4-18 weeks gestation and put them in a resin heart as a memorial keepsake for parents who suffered a miscarriage. I also make snakes that I hand paint myself.

I love needle felting. I make mini pocket pets and I also make 3D pet portraits. I also make small cat butt magnets.

I love paper crafts. I love making paper flowers and handmade cards.

I love making custom vinyl shirts. I’ve done many birthday shirts and other kind of shirts.

I love floral art. I pick pretty flowers and I remove all moisture and put them in resin.

Please feel free to info dump about your special interests in the comments. I would love to read them all and get to know you all better.

Autism & Sexual Assault

Autistic people are 4 times more likely to get sexually assaulted than neurotypical people. I’m autistic and I’m a sexual assault survivor. I don’t blame my autism or myself for what I went through but I do believe it’s important to talk about these things so people can be aware and understand the intersectionality between autism and sexual assault.

What made me more vulnerable to sexual assault is my difficulties with non verbal communication. I have a hard time interpreting body language and facial expressions. I was very trusting and sometimes gullible so it made it easier to manipulate and groom me. I even have difficulties with verbal communication because I don’t really understand hints and subtext when others talk to me. I was also unaware of danger and often unknowingly put myself in risky situations. I sometimes have delayed response to situations due to the way I process information on a certain day. So by the time I realize that there’s red flags, it’s already too late. My processing speed is much slower if I’m already dealing with sensory overload which can be triggered by many things.

I still have a lot of trauma to heal from. I wish I could just snap my fingers and the pain just disappears. I used to see the good in everyone but now I’m hyper vigilant and avoidant. I need to protect myself because there really are disgusting people in this world who target whoever is the most vulnerable. Please stay safe out there!

I love legos

This is a picture of me holding a flower bouquet made out of legos. If you want to purchase this same set, click on the link https://amzn.to/3sKkFg9. As an Amazon associate, I earn commissions from qualifying purchases.

Growing up I didn’t have my own Lego set. I do desperately wanted legos but my mom always said she didn’t have the money to buy it. Now as an adult, I treat myself to Lego sets whenever I can afford it because I feel that I owe that to my inner child that’s still healing from trauma.

Our home is loaded with legos. I do have children so they obviously love it. But legos is more than just a toy for me. Whenever I complete a set, my confidence level goes through the roof. As someone who struggles with confidence development, legos is an easy way to help boost that. Legos also helps stimulate my brain and helps me with problem solving. I also love the opportunity to be creative. The instructions that comes with it are visual so I’m able to understand it just fine. It’s the perfect sensory tool for me and very therapeutic. It helps decrease stress levels and sensory overload. It helps me build patience and encourages my need to hyper focus on something I really love. It also helps me build a stronger bond with my children. Legos is one of the few things we can all do together that makes us all happy. Also, since I never received occupational therapy as a child for my needs, playing with legos is the best thing for my physical development because it develops dexterity and strength in the fingers but also teaches me control of the pressure applied when building things with intricate detail. I lack body awareness and I’m often heavy handed. Building with legos has taught me what gentle touch is.

Already working on my next book

I recently released my autism poetry book called “Beautifully Wired by Jessica Jenkins”. It explains autism and my personal experience and perspective as an autistic person in poetry form. The same day I released that book, I opened up Microsoft word on my laptop and started typing up my next book. It’s going to be a personal memoir about growing up autistic and masking. I’ll be sharing many raw details of my life and I really hope that my readers are able to connect with me when they read it. At this time I don’t know when it’ll be finished and released but I’m very confident that it won’t take me anywhere near as long as the poetry book took. I’ll keep you all updated. In the meantime, you can find my autism poetry book on Amazon. Click here to order your copy and please don’t forget to leave a review after you receive it and read it!

My Favorite Amazon Items|Autism Edition

DISCLAIMER: As an Amazon associate I earn commission from qualifying purchases. It does not affect the price for you in any way.

Here is a list of all my favorite Amazon items that accommodate my sensory needs. For more authenticity, I’ll be using personal videos of me using these items instead of the actual stock photos that’s used on Amazon.

**This list will be updated from time to time as more items come my way so please keep an eye on this post so you don’t miss anything**

Wooden Balls in Cup Color Sorting
https://amzn.to/3BAem1q
Stepping Stones
https://amzn.to/3BB9IjO
Bristle Blocks
https://amzn.to/3NQxON9
Interlocking Building Discs
https://amzn.to/3EZDD6S
Jumbo Blocks
https://amzn.to/3vjmH8C
Sensory Swing
https://amzn.to/3s2Glnb
Sensory Nightlight
https://amzn.to/3p1HQ34
Noise Canceling Headphones (Bluetooth)
https://amzn.to/35bQqFq
Sprocket Fidget
https://amzn.to/3vfipze
Infinity Cube Fidget
https://amzn.to/3t8dOfo

TikTok is shadow banning autistic content creators

I really wanted to make this post to update everyone about an ongoing issue that’s been going on. I’ve seen a bunch of autistic content creators on TikTok being banned for talking about their autism. TikTok is saying that the words “autism” or “autistic goes against their guidelines and that it’s hate speech. I’m pretty confused as to why us speaking up about our autistic experience is hate speech. It really bothers me that they’re trying to silence us. It’s not fair to us that we put in so much emotional labor to educate everyone and our content just gets shadow banned. That’s discrimination and it needs to stop.

A BIPOC content creator on TikTok who is also autistic (Tim Boykin), came up with a hashtag that autistic people can use.

#myaudiisparked

The purpose of that hashtag is to make a point that autistic content creators aren’t going anywhere and we are not going to be silenced.

Please give Tim a follow on TikTok

@blackautisticking

He is a song writer and an author. It’s very important that we support and uplift BIPOC content creators because their voices matter too.

You can listen to his song by clicking here

You can purchase his book by clicking here

Autism poetry book now available on Amazon| Beautifully Wired by Jessica Jenkins

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. I’m so happy to announce that my autism poetry book called “Beautifully Wired” is now available on Amazon. Click here to purchase and let’s see how many copies I can sell in the first month. Thank you to all who have supported me this far!

Accommodations can go a long way for autistic people

A short video of me sitting at my desk on a bouncy yoga ball with my sensory lamp on while I wear noise canceling headphones

For Christmas, my husband bought me a desk because I really wanted my own space to be on my laptop. I didn’t like having to sit at the dining room table to do my work where there was too much noise and too much light. I couldn’t stand the clutter I was making there.

Now I feel so peaceful in our room with my own desk. I bought myself a yoga ball with a base to keep it from rolling away so I’m able to bounce and fidget freely. I bought myself a better quality noise canceling headphones and I really love it.

The room can stay dark or dim while my sensory lamp projects pretty colors on to the wall and I don’t have to hear noise from the kids playing. I find it’s much easier for me to focus while I work.

If you’re autistic or otherwise neurodivergent, please be kind to yourself and don’t be afraid to accommodate your sensory needs. It really can make a huge difference.