On December 23rd, 2020 I made a post on Facebook: (screenshot and link shown below)
I really felt the need to come on here and talk to you all a bit more about that post. But before I go on, please go visit that page by clicking the link above and please hit the like button for my page. Also feel free to scroll and share some of my posts and then come back here.
You’re back? Did you like my page? Ok, great!
So I’ve struggled with low self esteem almost my whole life. I’ve been through a lot of things that didn’t really help it either but I’ll go into all of that in another blog post.
Today I took a moment to really reflect on my emotions and I’m sitting here trying to figure out how can I love the skin I’m in if I can’t even tolerate being in my own skin due to sensory processing issues. It almost feels to me like I’ll never be able to love myself again and that’s honestly a really painful realization. I’m sure I’m not the only autistic person out there who feels this way. We live in a world that treats us like we are less. We aren’t less, we are different!
I KNOW I’m different and I think that’s what the problem is. I’m AWARE of my deficits and I constantly sense people around me are embarrassed having me around. It’s the high expectations people have of me and knowing I can’t do it because I’m different. It’s the extra needed support that I feel my loved ones are forcing themselves to try to give but they really prefer not to deal with it. I feel like I’m a burden!
I’ve had a couple people tell me to commit suicide just because I’m autistic. Things like that really do take a toll on me and does make me wonder if not existing would be better for me and for everyone else around me. I’ve also been bullied when I was in school for being different.
I try to tell myself every day that I’m worth more than what people think and that I’m talented and creative but giving myself those little pep talks only work for a short time. It’s really hard being in a world where I’m so misunderstood. I feel so alone! I do have my immediate family who support me but I can’t change how I feel about myself.
My self esteem dies a little more each time someone makes me feel like being autistic is an issue. I can’t help being who I am. I don’t hate the fact that I’m autistic. I’ve accepted that as who I am. I just hate how easily hurt I am by people.
I often feel like there really is no space on earth for me. This world wasn’t made for me. I’m not disabled by my autism. I’m disabled by this world. I also feel if I had gotten the proper love and support growing up, I probably wouldn’t be feeling like this now but I can’t change the past. I’m just having a really hard time moving on from it.
I also struggle in general with regulating my emotions so I can see why it’s hard for me to find my value and internal worth. And growing up, I struggled with self identity as well because I didn’t know why I was different until I was 11 when I got my diagnosis. Even after that, I struggled for a long time to understand my diagnosis and accept it complete. Now I almost fully embrace it. I just still struggle with low self esteem which prevents me from embracing it completely and fearlessly.
I grew up being told everything I do is wrong. Even as an adult, I just can’t handle criticism and I wish people would at least follow it with something positive like “oh you messed up on this BUT I appreciate your effort and you did an amazing job with that other thing”. Pointing out my failures without filling in something I can be proud of really erodes my self esteem and a lot of people don’t realize that. I already feel like a failure from it being drilled into my head all my childhood. I don’t need to feel worse. I like to see the good in every bad thing. That may be one of my fatal flaws but that’s how I wish people would treat me at least. My loved ones have no idea how much acknowledging my successes helps me. It does make a positive difference. I know they’re probably thinking, “I shouldn’t have to constantly praise you for things you are expected to do”. The thing is being autistic, it’s often hard for me to get my mind set on doing just about anything. So any small task completed should be celebrated because it took everything in me to do it.
I know it may seem like I’m jumping into different directions with this blog but it’s because I don’t have my thoughts in a set order so whatever comes to mind next is what’s being typed up.
Andddddd I’m not sure why I’m trying it explain myself……
Since my thoughts are starting to race right now, I’m just going to end this blog by saying be more sensitive to my feelings and be more accepting of me. And I mean GENUINELY accept me, not just merely tolerate my presence. There’s a difference, and I am able to sense the difference. I love all my blog readers and thank you for reading to this point. Have a good night/morning!