Working on a autism poetry book

I’ve been working on something really exciting for the last few months that I can’t wait to share with the world. Not sure if all of you know this, but I’m an author. I currently have 4 books published. I’ve been working on numbers 5 and 6. The 5th book is going to be an autism poetry book. My goal is to write a poem on every single relevant topic related to being autistic so that I can help others see the world through my autistic eyes. My plan is to launch this book before April 2022. I want it out just in time for autism awareness month because I think it’s very important that autistic voices are uplifted and heard in a month where people like to talk over autistic people. I also think this is the perfect opportunity for my friends and family to learn more about autism explained in a way I know best, which is poetry. Life being autistic will be broken down into details. This book is my whole life and will be packed with my own experiences. I’ve been working so hard on this book. I already have the photo taken for the book cover. One of my best friends let me take a picture of myself on her tree in her backyard.

Picture of me smiling while climbing a tree wearing a leopard print shirt and holding one of my favorite stim toys.

I figured I’d let you all know about the book so you can keep an eye out for the big announcement when it’s finally released. I hope this book becomes a best seller. I hope I make a difference. I’m on a mission to bring this world 1,000 steps closer to accepting autism and busting all the myths and stigmas of autism. Autism is not a tragedy.

I’m still trying to make sure I have a blog to post weekly but if for some reason, I end up skipping a week or 2, it’s because my focus is on writing poetry. I’ll try my best to juggle the 2 without falling off track. I also have to keep in mind I also have a business that I run and two kids to take care of and a husband. I’ve been trying to type out these blogs weeks in advance and scheduling them so I have enough wiggle room to do other things and not feel too overwhelmed. Wish me luck!

Blue Pumpkins for Autism?

I know a lot of you have seen the blue pumpkins circling around on social media. It’s supposed to let the person know that the child is autistic and may not be able to speak. While there’s so many people who thinks this is a brilliant idea; the majority of the actually autistic community disagrees with this.

An autistic child should not be forced to walk around with this because it’s nobody’s business what their neurological status is. Please respect your child’s privacy. It’s very dangerous because it lets predators know this child is vulnerable and most likely has no sense of danger. It makes autistic children who carry those pumpkins the perfect target. Just because they may be supervised by an adult, doesn’t mean something bad still can’t happen.

Also, that person should be respectful and inclusive with every child without needing a blue pumpkin as a reminder. Just be a decent human being and give the damn candy to the child. Everyone should be able to get candy no matter what.

Also, people are easily confusing this for the teal pumpkins which are for allergies. This literally poses a health risk because I’m sure it’s really hard to tell the difference of color when it’s dark out. Please don’t use this for your autistic child. This is not autism acceptance at all.

What it’s like being autistic and married to an allistic

Picture of my husband and I underneath the sun shining down on us

For those of you who don’t know what the term allistic means, it’s simply a non autistic person. I use that term because my husband is considered neurodivergent so therefore he’s not neurotypical. He just isn’t autistic. I won’t disclose his neurotype on here because I want to respect his privacy as it’s not my place to tell his story. He will do so whenever he is ready.

At this time I’m typing this blog, we’ve been married for 4 years and together for a total of 9 1/2 years. It really has been a crazy ride for us filled with ups and downs. When we first got together, I did not disclose my autism diagnosis right away. I didn’t want him to think I’m too weird and then lose interest in me. I did however mention it at some point within the first year together very briefly but he never asked me to elaborate so I didn’t push it either. I felt like as long as he was just aware of it and made that informed decision to continue on with this relationship, then all was good. This is why autism awareness does nothing for autistic people. You can be aware of it but if you don’t learn about it and accept it, then it’s a dead end.

He had already spent time with me so he didn’t really think me being autistic would change anything. It was more like an “oh ok, cool”, and that was it. He didn’t know much about autism and had only knew one other person who was autistic, which was one of his family members.

His lack of knowledge really made things complicated. I can’t understand social cues so that made friendships and relationships hard for me. He used to send me flirtatious messages and I didn’t understand I needed to reciprocate so instead I would reply with “I miss you”. When I didn’t know what to say, that’s what I replied with as a way to keep the conversation going. I’m not really great with back and forth conversations. I’m sure he was very confused but he never questioned it. Being with him long enough, I eventually did pick up on how to respond to him and now he can’t handle it, haha.

When we first moved in together, he couldn’t tolerate some of my sensory seeking behaviors. Over time he got used to most of it and now just lets me do my thing.

Sometimes it’s really hard to communicate with him because I see things from my perspective and he has his own perspective on things but can’t seem to reach my level. He often doesn’t understand that I feel emotions on a much deeper level than a allistic person and I can’t regulate it. I also tend to come off as needy and he doesn’t always understand why I need constant attention. Sometimes I feel rejected by him and then I internalize that and feel like the marriage is falling apart. We’ve managed to pull through every obstacle so far which is great.

If I had to say what our biggest struggle is, I’d have to say communication. I often need things explained to me in explicit details or I can’t visualize whats being said and it doesn’t get processed in my brain. Him not specifying enough details often results in me not performing the task he asked me to do correctly or at all. He has gotten upset over it which overwhelms me. I’m always feeling like I’m performing wrong even when I’m not.

I’m also always stressed about the subtexts in conversations. I don’t understand it very well and would rather things be explained in a more direct way, no beating around the bush.

Another point I want to touch on is my sensory needs. I’m typically a sensory seeker so I don’t mind touch as long as I’m not overstimulated and feeling touched out. I crave affection from him and deep pressure from his weight on top of me. I crave skin to skin and being caressed and loved physically. My love language is physical touch. I often feel as though he sees affection as a chore and often resists. Usually when I try to explain how it makes me feel, it seems he has a hard time understanding and may say hurtful things without thinking. I completely understand that it’s almost impossible for an allistic person to understand every aspect of my needs as an autistic person but I also don’t want to be invalidated for it because this is my reality.

Aside from all the struggles, we have many many happy moments. I can go on and on about all our memories and show all the pictures we took over the years but it’s too much for you all.

When he’s not in a irritable mood, he’s very loving and sweet. He’s very quick to come to my defense when someone else upsets me. And on a good day, he can be more affectionate. He’s still learning and growing and I hope that we only continue to grow closer. He has definitely come a long way from when we first got together and I’m very proud of all his improvements and his eagerness to learn more about what would accommodate me so I can live a happier life. He’s watched me at my best moments and he’s also seen my worst from severe meltdowns to intense autistic burnout and going non verbal. I’m sure that’s a lot for him to take in and he has to be strong and keep it together for me. It’s a hard task but he chose to ride it out with me until death do us part. I love him so much and want nothing more than to be with him forever.

If you’re interested, I posted a Autism Q&A Spouse Edition video on YouTube linked below if you would like to listen to my husbands perspective

Autism & Functioning Labels

This is a blog post I’ve been looking forward to posting as it seems quite a few people in my circle are still misinformed. In this post, I’ll be talking about functioning labels and the term Aspergers and the history of it.

Functioning labels are very harmful and very inaccurate. When people hear high functioning, they assume that person functions well with no obstacles or struggles. When people hear low functioning, they assume that person can’t function enough to be a part of society. Let me explain why that’s a very harmful perspective. I’m what others would see as “high functioning”. You assume I’m fine right? Well, I’m not!

High functioning is associated with the term Asperger’s syndrome which is no longer recognized in the DSM-5. Aspergers was a high functioning form of autism in the past. It was removed back in 2013 and is now called Autism Spectrum Disorder. To be considered high functioning, you have to be verbal and you have to have an IQ of at least average or above average. If you really think about it, doesn’t it sound ridiculous? People assume I’m able to function just because I can talk and my IQ is average. As if talking is the only way to function well. Then someone who is considered low functioning, who may not have high support needs but can’t talk is infantilized. Their independence gets stripped away from them. Caregivers want to baby them because they’re “low functioning”. Then they have the audacity to be shocked when they notice that person doing something they never saw them do before when they could probably do a whole lot more if given the opportunity.

I have high support needs but because I can talk 98% of the time, I’m not seen as severe so therefore never was able to get the help I needed. It’s not fair that I was denied services just because I’m verbal.

People think that the autism spectrum is a linear line that ranges from less autistic and more autistic. That’s not how the spectrum works. Here is a picture that perfectly illustrates what the autism spectrum can look like.

Image is from Autism_sketches on Instagram

The terms high and low functioning and Aspergers are all outdated. It’s outdated for a reason. Let me tell you the history of Asperger’s syndrome.

Asperger’s syndrome was first recognized back in the time of the Holocaust by Hans Asperger. He saw some autistic traits and difficulties with social and communication skills in some children who had normal intelligence and language development. He fought to save the high functioning children and put them to work while the low functioning were killed. I personally do not want to be attached to such a horrific history by associating myself with Asperger’s syndrome. It’s very ableist! Now autism, Asperger’s and other pervasive developmental disorders are under the umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorder. In my opinion, that’s one step in the right direction but there’s still a lot of work to be done in order for all autistic people to feel included and accommodated.

We need to normalize just asking what that autistic persons specific needs and accommodations are without making them feel like they’re less or more deserving than the next autistic person. Gate keeping is wrong and disgusting and I feel sick to my stomach when people in my circle undermine my struggles. When I tell people I’m autistic, some reply with “oh Asperger’s…”. NO, I’m autistic, that’s it! I’m not “better off” than the next autistic person who is non verbal just because I’m verbal (which I do have non verbal episodes when I’m severely overstimulated and not able to regulate it). And they’re not less fortunate just because they can’t talk. With the right accommodations, all autistic people can thrive and be happy. So please don’t ask me or other autistic people if we’re high or low functioning. It doesn’t help us at all. Ask us what can you do to help us.

I can’t stand when autism moms/dads attack me on social media talking about “you don’t speak for my low functioning autistic child”. To be quite honest, I do speak for the entire autistic community. No, your child can’t speak, but if you listen to what I have to say as an autistic person, you may just learn something new and find ways to better help your child who can’t tell you what their needs are. Stop trying to talk over us! What better way to learn about autism than to hear about it from an actual autistic person? I’m speaking from my own personal experience. I’m autistic! You can try to break it down into a functioning label or an outdated diagnosis, but just know that you’re doing so much harm by doing that. I really hope someone was able to retain the information from this post and learned something new. If you’re in my circle, please stop saying the words Asperger’s and high/low functioning around me. It’s very triggering for me and honestly disrespectful. I do have my struggles and I have high support needs that I wish were accommodated a long time ago. Don’t downplay my struggles!

Executive Dysfunction | I’m Not Lazy!!!!

Hey everyone! I hope this blog post finds you all doing well. Last week I published a blog post talking about why I haven’t been posting anything. I also mentioned that one of my next posts was going to be about executive function so here it is… the topic a lot of you have been waiting for.

I’ll start out by explaining exactly what executive function is. Executive function is the cognitive processes that help regulate, control and manage our thoughts and actions. The aspects of executive function includes planning, problem solving, working memory, attention, verbal reasoning, initiation, self control, cognitive flexibility, and monitoring. Still confused? Let me elaborate and break it down for you, since that’s what helps me understand things better. Always be specific with me…


Planning is being able to think and come up with the order or steps of how a goal or task will be achieved. It’s the ability to compartmentalize tasks into completable sections which can be hard for some autistic people. I personally don’t struggle with this aspect. I’m a very deep thinker and over analyze everything which makes my planning very detail oriented.

Problem Solving

The ability to identify a problem and think of a strategy to solve the problem. Problem solving uses almost all the aspects of executive functions. So depending on which aspect you struggle with, it can affect your ability to effectively problem solve.

Working Memory

A lot of autistic people struggle with memory. My short term memory is completely off. I can script a whole movie or TV show or memorize a song after listening to a twice. But I can’t remember to eat when I’m supposed to or take my medications on time. I also struggle with memorizing tasks if there’s too many steps which then can lead to incompletion of the task.


Attention works hand in hand with working memory. I am able to focus very deeply on something but what I struggle with is shifting my focus on to whatever it needs to be on. Change is hard for me. If I’m in the middle of crafting, which is my biggest special interest, then it’s almost impossible to direct my focus on to chores or anything else. It’s also hard to keep my attention on something particular when I’m trying so hard to regulate all the sensory input around me. Things as simple as too much light or too much background noise at one time can be enough to distract me from a task that needs my full attention. Then I go into sensory overload which then completely shifts everything and then I spend the rest of the day trying to erase the bad input and replacing it with good input. If I wasn’t able to focus on something, then that information wasn’t retained which then means my short term memory won’t recall it at all.

Verbal Reasoning

It’s the ability to understand concepts presented in words and relay them back. This can be hard for me because I do not do well with verbal or social cues. I take things very literally which can hinder my ability to reason. I also have times I go non verbal under severe sensory overload so therefore can’t relay anything back verbally.


Initiation is the ability to start a task. It has nothing to do with desire. I struggle with this heavily. I may want to do chores, play a game or run an errand. But unless the task is initiated by someone else, it doesn’t happen most of the time.

Self Control

The ability to have emotional, cognitive or physical reactions controlled in that moment. That’s very challenging for me because have a hard time regulating emotions and sensory input, which causes me to stim. If I end up overstimulated trying to download and process all the information, it can lead to outbursts or meltdowns. I can’t help it and sometimes my impulse control isn’t enough to participate in a structured situation.

Cognitive Function

It’s the ability to just go with the flow. Change is very hard for me. I can function best when there is predictability and routine.


So, let’s say you’re walking. Only small part of your brain is engaged in walking because you already know how to walk. The monitoring part of your brain kicks in and keeps you from bumping into things and walking right into traffic. When autistic people are overstimulated, their brains suddenly have issues with monitoring basic tasks which can lead to them unintentionally doing dangerous things.

It’s very important to understand that not all autistic people struggle with all the same aspects. Each individual has different struggles. Also, executive function issues isn’t even only an autistic struggle. People with ADHD and other conditions can also struggle with it. I’m only focused on autism specifically because I’m autistic and wanted to explain my personal experience.

My family used to always call me “lazy”. I really wish people could understand that I don’t intentionally do these things. I’m not lazy! Laziness is intentional. I actually want to do a task but I just can not initiate it myself without there being an external stimulus to prompt me. I want to focus but I simply can’t. I don’t purposely act without thinking or make careless mistakes when doing basic tasks. I simply have a hard time monitoring when I’m overstimulated. Now this doesn’t mean I can’t function at all. When I get the proper accommodations and assistance, I am able to function well. When I’m not overstimulated, I’m more likely to reach my full potential. Autism is not what disables me, it’s my environment. If we lived in a more sensory friendly world where everyone truly accepted autism and people accommodated all autistic people regardless of their level of support needs, then we wouldn’t have so many “deficits”.

I hope you learned something from this blog post. If you think you know someone who absolutely needs to read this, then please feel free to share this with them. We shouldn’t have to tolerate people putting us down for being “lazy” when laziness isn’t even what it is. The first step to acceptance is knowledge and being informed. Thank you for reading!

I’m Back | Why I Haven’t Been Posting

Hey everyone, I want to first start out by saying sorry for my lack of consistency in publishing my blog posts. My last post was back in April. I really told myself that I was going to start posting weekly but obviously it didn’t happen and I hope you all will understand why I’ve been so off track.

If you recall my last blog post from April, I talked about autistic burnout. If you’d like to read that post, click here. If you don’t know what autistic burnout is, then I suggest you do go read that blog post and then come back to this post to continue reading so you’re not so confused.

Now, to continue with what this post is about….

As you all should know, I’m autistic! I also have ADHD! I struggle tremendously with executive function. I’ll go more into details on a different upcoming blog post but to keep it short and simple, I have a hard time getting things done. It’s really hard to shift my focus on to a task when I have soooo many tasks to complete. I’m easily overwhelmed and then nothing gets done. Another thing that also tends to interfere with me getting things done is having children. I have a 6 year old autistic son and a 19 month old daughter possibly also autistic. She has an evaluation coming up real soon.

My daughter tends to want the most attention from me when I’m trying to be productive. She’s extremely clingy and has separation anxiety. I’m in the process of trying to wean her off the breast due to some feeding issues and weight issues which now resulted in her needing feeding therapy weekly.

Here’s a picture my son snapped for me of me tying up this blog post you’re reading while holding my daughter who just cries and screams by my feet if I don’t pick her up. Also, of course you see my Pepsi because I need my daily dose of caffeine. Also I know my hair looks atrocious.

I’ve had a bunch of doctors appointments which I haven’t been able to keep up with all because once I feel like there’s too many close together, I just start cancelling some of them. Then I forget to reschedule and then I just sit here feeling like a failure. Both my children have appointments as well that needs to be prioritized so mine gets cancelled if they overlap. I also need to work around my husbands schedule because he also has several appointments. He drives, I don’t!

Even though I haven’t been focused on my blog, I have been on TikTok posting content. I haven’t been 100% consistent there either but what motivated me was the fact that a few of my videos blew up and I felt like it was the perfect platform to thrive from and also drive them all to my blog site when I start posting here consistently. I’m building up my followers on there which is currently at 7,835 followers. If you’d like to follow me on there, click here.

I’ve been so burnt out for a while now. I want to be completely honest with you and tell you that around the month of April, I started self harming again. It was just one time and I’ve been able to maintain control since then but I’ve been spiraling really bad emotionally since June. I have high support needs that tends to fluctuate on a daily basis which makes me very unpredictable. I spent my whole childhood masking my autistic traits because my family saw it as me ‘attention seeking”. I was never given the tools that I needed to thrive. Now as an adult, I’m struggling with my own identity as an autistic person and trying to figure out who I am and what works best for me. I’m learning more and more about myself each day but I feel so far behind because I really don’t know the real me since I’ve had to suppress the real me for so long. Now that I’ve started to unmask, I have this constant feeling of being a burden to everyone around me because I’m “too needy”, I’ve been trying to make sense of everything and trying to connect the dots but nothing really makes sense.

I’ve been experiencing shutdowns where I dissociate and I have also had non verbal episodes. I shutdown because it’s easier for everyone around me when I’m not having a full blown meltdown. The more meltdowns I suppress, the more shutdowns I experience. Then I feel so helpful not being able to help myself get through it fast enough. I’ve noticed I’ve been running off to a dim room more often. I have a sensory lamp that satisfies my visual and auditory sensory needs when I’m overstimulated. A really great friend I met on TikTok, bought me a bunch of things off my Amazon wish list. One of the biggest things that she bought me was a sensory swing. That swing has been the biggest reason why I’ve been able to stop myself from self harming some more. It provides the deep pressure and compression that I need to release stress that I just bottle up inside every day. It’s such a blessing to have this major accommodation and I’m thankful for my husband who put it up for me in my craft room.

I’ve been working on myself and trying to focus on my special interests to keep my mind busy. I’ve been coming up with new ideas for my website and can’t wait to show you everything I’ve been working on. For those who don’t know, I have my own fashion and art business. I’m currently working on a autism jewelry line. I already launched my first piece. TikTok was the first platform to see it.

I have a lot more to say and everyone who knows me, knows I can info dump all day. So this is where I’ll end this blog post. But before I end it, I want to say that I think I’ve come up with an effective way to post consistently on here. I’m going to try and type out a bunch of blog posts at once but have it scheduled to post whenever I want it to post. Which right now I’m only going to try to commit to once a week. A post will be published every Wednesday at 9 am EST. If I see things are going well and that I have enough energy to keep up that pace, I’ll then shoot for twice a week and see how that goes. I need all of you to wish me luck and send me positive vibes. I need the motivation. Thanks for reading this post and can’t wait to post again. I appreciate everyone’s support while I navigate my way through this autistic burnout that seems never ending. Bye now! ….. Before I continue to info dump and then can’t stop.

Autistic Burnout

Autistic burnout is intense physical and mental exhaustion. It can also be accompanied with loss of certain skills.

Having to navigate through a world that was only built for neurotypical people is very exhausting. Having to keep up with all the societies list of “norms” is very draining. Autistic people often end up masking their autistic traits in order to seem more normal. Masking can be very dangerous; but I’ll go into that further in another blog post.

Autistic burnout may look different from person to person. What you see in one autistic person; you may not see in another. As I mentioned above, it can be an intense physical exhaustion. It can also manifest as intense anxiety or emotional outbursts. It can be the inability to regulate emotions far more than usual. It can contribute to depression and suicidal behaviors. It can involve an increase of stimming (self regulating behaviors), increased sensitivity to sensory input and difficulty with changes. A lot of autistic people struggle with these things but when a burnout is happening, all these things can be amplified; making it seem like you’re regressing or much worse than usual.

Some autistic people lose their ability to speak during a burnout. Also, loss of executive function is common during a burnout as well. Executive function will be discussed in another blog.

Burnout can affect our thinking process and also affect our memory (which we already struggle with in general).

When I’m experiencing a burnout, I feel disconnected and disengaged from the rest of the world. I lose focus on the small things and can’t process my thoughts very well or my emotions. I tend to be very forgetful. But the forgetfulness also stems from the fact that when I’m told something, I’m most likely paying more attention to the sound of the electricity in the house; like the wind coming from the fan or the buzzing of the microwave. I can’t focus on too many sounds at once. It’s the increased sensitivity to sensory input that affects my ability to focus on conversation and information storing. I can’t process what you said if I hear the fridge. It’s a distraction. I struggle with these things on a daily basis but it’s 10 times worse during a burnout. People assume I’m not paying attention to them when I’m reality, I am. It’s just really hard for me to process too many different things at one time. I have lost my ability to speak during a burnout but it doesn’t happen every time I go through a burnout. My executive function is crap on a regular basis but it really goes down the toilet during a burnout.

The smallest things can be sensory overload for me during a burnout. Others around me don’t understand this and just brush it off.

Autistic burnout can last anywhere from a few hours to a few years for some autistic people. The main way to recover from burnout is to remove yourself from the situation that triggered it in the first place.

For me, it’s almost always caused by suppressing my emotions and meltdowns and other autistic traits in order to “keep the peace” around others who don’t understand me and so I’m not a burden to them. After so long, I don’t have the energy to continue to keep it all contained. It drains me to the point that it can be dangerous. I tend to physically lash out on myself by self harming and I also have attempted suicide before.

During these hard times, what I need is compassion and understanding. I may also need space and some alone time. I also need reassurance and not judgement. I’m trying as hard as I can but I can’t keep being sorry for who I am. I can’t keep apologizing for the way I am because I can’t help it and it’s not my problem people choose to not understand it.

I’m not entirely sure how long I’ve been in this current burnout so far but I only hope I can regain my strength soon so I can get back to the real me.

If you read this blog post this far, thank you and I hope you’ve learned something new here. More posts will be up soon, I just need to save up the energy to type it all out. I just really felt like this topic needed to be discussed.

Autism and Low Self-Esteem

On December 23rd, 2020 I made a post on Facebook: (screenshot and link shown below)

I really felt the need to come on here and talk to you all a bit more about that post. But before I go on, please go visit that page by clicking the link above and please hit the like button for my page. Also feel free to scroll and share some of my posts and then come back here.


You’re back? Did you like my page? Ok, great!


So I’ve struggled with low self esteem almost my whole life. I’ve been through a lot of things that didn’t really help it either but I’ll go into all of that in another blog post.

Today I took a moment to really reflect on my emotions and I’m sitting here trying to figure out how can I love the skin I’m in if I can’t even tolerate being in my own skin due to sensory processing issues. It almost feels to me like I’ll never be able to love myself again and that’s honestly a really painful realization. I’m sure I’m not the only autistic person out there who feels this way. We live in a world that treats us like we are less. We aren’t less, we are different!

I KNOW I’m different and I think that’s what the problem is. I’m AWARE of my deficits and I constantly sense people around me are embarrassed having me around. It’s the high expectations people have of me and knowing I can’t do it because I’m different. It’s the extra needed support that I feel my loved ones are forcing themselves to try to give but they really prefer not to deal with it. I feel like I’m a burden!

I’ve had a couple people tell me to commit suicide just because I’m autistic. Things like that really do take a toll on me and does make me wonder if not existing would be better for me and for everyone else around me. I’ve also been bullied when I was in school for being different.

I try to tell myself every day that I’m worth more than what people think and that I’m talented and creative but giving myself those little pep talks only work for a short time. It’s really hard being in a world where I’m so misunderstood. I feel so alone! I do have my immediate family who support me but I can’t change how I feel about myself.

My self esteem dies a little more each time someone makes me feel like being autistic is an issue. I can’t help being who I am. I don’t hate the fact that I’m autistic. I’ve accepted that as who I am. I just hate how easily hurt I am by people.

I often feel like there really is no space on earth for me. This world wasn’t made for me. I’m not disabled by my autism. I’m disabled by this world. I also feel if I had gotten the proper love and support growing up, I probably wouldn’t be feeling like this now but I can’t change the past. I’m just having a really hard time moving on from it.

I also struggle in general with regulating my emotions so I can see why it’s hard for me to find my value and internal worth. And growing up, I struggled with self identity as well because I didn’t know why I was different until I was 11 when I got my diagnosis. Even after that, I struggled for a long time to understand my diagnosis and accept it complete. Now I almost fully embrace it. I just still struggle with low self esteem which prevents me from embracing it completely and fearlessly.

I grew up being told everything I do is wrong. Even as an adult, I just can’t handle criticism and I wish people would at least follow it with something positive like “oh you messed up on this BUT I appreciate your effort and you did an amazing job with that other thing”. Pointing out my failures without filling in something I can be proud of really erodes my self esteem and a lot of people don’t realize that. I already feel like a failure from it being drilled into my head all my childhood. I don’t need to feel worse. I like to see the good in every bad thing. That may be one of my fatal flaws but that’s how I wish people would treat me at least. My loved ones have no idea how much acknowledging my successes helps me. It does make a positive difference. I know they’re probably thinking, “I shouldn’t have to constantly praise you for things you are expected to do”. The thing is being autistic, it’s often hard for me to get my mind set on doing just about anything. So any small task completed should be celebrated because it took everything in me to do it.

I know it may seem like I’m jumping into different directions with this blog but it’s because I don’t have my thoughts in a set order so whatever comes to mind next is what’s being typed up.

Andddddd I’m not sure why I’m trying it explain myself……

Since my thoughts are starting to race right now, I’m just going to end this blog by saying be more sensitive to my feelings and be more accepting of me. And I mean GENUINELY accept me, not just merely tolerate my presence. There’s a difference, and I am able to sense the difference. I love all my blog readers and thank you for reading to this point. Have a good night/morning!

Autism & Friendships

One thing about me is that I’m VERY friendly…. to the point that it does become socially awkward and people will try and avoid me. One thing that makes me feel so overwhelmed is hearing new friends promise me that they understand and would never stray away when things get weird. Almost every single time, that ends up being an empty promise because as soon as my autistic traits start to show, they suddenly can’t handle it and walk away. Without mentioning any names, I’m going to go into a situation that occurred. So a few months ago when the pandemic started, I made a new friend. She promised she’ll always be myself and swore up and down that she understood me. Well, I started making masks for people and I had a big mask order to complete. She wanted me to make one for her mom for free since she was an essential worker. Since she was a good friend of mine, I was going to do it for free BUT I told her I needed to get the paid orders out the way first. That’s where the misunderstanding came along. Since I have autism, I have a set way of doing things. I have to do things in the exact order I had planned it out to be in my head. She wanted me to make her mask first and my brain told me to get the paid order done out the way first. She then said she’ll just pay me so I can do it first. But still, I wouldn’t get to hers until the first order was done because I had to do it in order. She got upset and made me out to be a bad friend and eventually blocked me on Facebook. It’s very hard to persuade me to do something a different way. I don’t like change of routine. Things have to be done my way or I won’t be able to function. I wish she knew I didn’t mean to be a “bad friend”. I just can’t change the way I do things. Just a simple research on google, and she would have known this to be a fact even though I already had explained my autism several times because I wanted to make sure I was understood correctly. But still she managed to misunderstand me and now we aren’t friends. It made me sad and even though it’s been a few months, I still find myself questioning why our friendship had to end like that. It makes me feel even more shitty because I just want friends who understand me and don’t fault me for my autistic traits. I don’t intentionally do things to upset people. I just process everything in a different way than everyone else. This is just one instance and there’s many more I’ve experienced as far as failed friendships. I felt compelled to post on Facebook not too long:



Please read up about autism BEFORE you decide to make empty promises to me about always being my friend and not running away when things get weird. I noticed people are fine when I say I have autism but as soon as my autism traits start to show, suddenly people don’t wanna be my friend anymore because they often misunderstand me or misinterpret my actions and the way I do things. As an autistic person, all I want is acceptance and love. If you’re going to be quick to disappear on me, please don’t bother calling yourself my friend and letting me get attached. It really breaks my heart that it’s so complicated for me to maintain friendships. 💔

jessicasautismjourney #lifewithautism #autismawareness #ASD #autism #autistic


I really hope that post reached people in ways that will help them understand me and never jump to conclusions and ending the friendship. I felt like doing this blog because I wanted to vent and make it known just how hard it is for autistic people to make friends. I have a fear that automatically sets in every time a new friend makes a promise to me because I just don’t know if it’s empty or genuine. Please, if you’re going to be my friend, always keep in mind that I have autism.

10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone with Autism

Hey there, it’s been a while since I posted a blog so I feel it’s time. For those of you that don’t know, my name is Jessica and I have autism. I’m going to get into 10 things you shouldn’t say to someone with autism. I think if blog is very important because it’ll leave my family and friends a little more educated and more prepared to be around me. I know sometimes people say things without thinking and don’t necessarily know how rude it sounds to us. So here we go….

1. You don’t look autistic!

This has to be the most annoying thing you can say to someone with autism. You just simply can not look at someone and figure out that they have autism. Autism DOES NOT have a look!

2. Everyone is a little autistic!

WRONG!!! Not everyone is a little autistic. Yes, everyone has their own struggles. But telling someone with autism that everyone is a little autistic is rude because it seems like you’re undermining our struggles and chalking it up to something everyone struggles with. You have no idea what struggles we go through unless you have autism yourself.

3. You’re just doing that for attention!

We don’t do anything for attention. Our daily struggles are very much real and unfortunately it’s something you just won’t understand unless you were us.

4. You don’t care about anyone but yourself!

I know it may seem like we lack compassion but that’s far from true. We just don’t get social cues and have a hard time interpreting body language. Therefore, if we don’t have a normal response, it’s because we were not able to process it. The information didn’t come to us in a way we can fully process so it then seems like we don’t care. But the truth is, autistic people feel everything. We feel every emotion deeply and intensely. It’s just a matter of how the information gets processed and perceived in our brains.

5. You’ll grow out of autism!

NO, you won’t grow out of autism. Autism grows with you. I was diagnosed when I was 11 and I’m 24 now and it seems like it’s gotten worse for me over the years. I’m not an adult with autism. Although it doesn’t define me, I have it and it’s not going anywhere.

6. You’re lazy!

We aren’t lazy! It just takes us a while to process something and get our brains set to do it. It’s especially hard when our brains are already set on something else. It becomes hard to sway us from that one thing we were focused on. Most people with autism can’t multitask. I can focus on just one thing as long as I’m able to block everything else out. If I can’t, then I tend to shut down and not want to do anything.

7. I know someone with autism and you’re nothing like them. I don’t think you have autism.

There’s a saying that says “if you met one person with autism, you’ve only may ONE person with autism”. No two autistic people are exactly the same. What you see in me, you may not see in someone else and vice versa.

8. Stop stimming so much in public. It’s embarrassing!

People with autism stim to keep themselves leveled out. It’s an effort to counteract whatever sensory input is disturbing us at the moment. It helps prevent a meltdown! Telling us to stop stimming is like telling a baby to stop crying. It’s not happening!

9. You’re high functioning so it’s not that bad!

Just because I’m high functioning, that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle on a daily basis. High functioning only means my IQ is at least average or it’s above average. But it has nothing to do with his easy my autism is because one thing you will never understand is it’s not easy for me at all. I still struggle with sensory integration and sensory overload. I still have meltdowns. I struggle to maintain friendships and I struggle to regulate my own emotions. Yes, I’m verbal, but that doesn’t make it easier. I’m just more self aware of my struggles and how different I am and that’s what makes it worse.

10. Is there medicine for that?

First off, you should be asking a professional that question. Second, asking someone with autism if there’s medicine for it only implies that you’re not accepting of us. We don’t need a cure or a fix. We want to be accepted and loved for who we are. We don’t need to adapt to this world. The world needs to adapt to us.

Well, that is all I wanted to say and I hope you all got something out of this blog. And if you’re my friend or family, please keep this as a reference so you don’t cause me any unnecessary heartache by saying something without thinking. Please be sensitive to my struggles and be more accepting of me. Next blog, I’ll touch base on autism and friendships so stay tuned. If you read this far, thank you so much for taking your time to read this and it means a lot to me that you’re trying to understand me and other people with autism better.